I refused to let Amy’s untimely death at 27 go unnoticed on The Boobs. Fuck everyone and their hating ass “she had it coming” “what a waste of talent” comments. Yes, Amy Winehouse battled with a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR drug addiction, but really so do most of your favorite musicians, hell even most of your damn friends. The only difference is that she truly had a great talent and that talent will be  missed. Amy to me was like our generations Billie Holiday (who also died of drugs may I add) a tortured, heartbroken soul sharing her deepest anguish, and writing songs that lyrically encompassed every single emotion i’ve ever felt during some of my shittiest break ups. So it goes without saying, Rest in Power Amy! you fought the  good fight and now you’ll never have to suffer again. Now go haunt BLAAAAAKE! xoxo

Today class we’re gonna learn something awesome: FISTING! For those of you sweet innocents that aren’t into sexual perversion, fisting is basically what lesbians, gays, and porn stars do to each other for shits and giggles. I don’t really know any “normal” people who does this for fun but I guess now you’re gonna learn.

Don’t ask me what happens during a fisting session because I couldn’t tell you. I mean I’ve never been fisted in either vagina nor butthole. However, I have birthed a baby and that’s like, a head some legs, arms, all sorts of weird shit, which in reality is way more hardcore and disgusting than an elbow but I digress. The feeling of fisting has been described as “sticking your hand into a warm glove filled with jelly”.
Can we all just say ewwl? Really guys, why? Why the fist of fury?
Is there fists etiquette?
How stretched out does ones booty hole or giney hole need to be?
What do you feel in someone’s butthole when you’re elbows deep in it?
Can you feel their intestines?
Is it like an Itchy & Skratchy cartoon where if you were to yank your hand out all of their entrails would fall out too?
Are there serious medical concerns you should have after you’re fisted? Do you need to be licensed in CPR?
I mean so many questions and very little answers. I decided to hit the tweets by asking random Porn Stars,but they took too long to reply. So I decided to take matters in my own hands by googling “fisting 101″ and “How to fist” and according to the internet this is what you need.

You will need:
-A Victim (preferably consenting)
-LOTS OF LUBE. I’m talking GALLONS even.
-Latex gloves
-An enema
-A nail file
-Butt toys ( anal)
- Patience

First things first your victim should be clean as a whistle. This means doing an enema in the bumhole. Obviously, no one wants to stick their hand up a dirty pooper, so it’s safest to use warm water to expell any “unpleasant” waste out of your bottom’s bottom.

You as the fister will need to file your nails as short and smooth as possible. Your hands are going to be all up in some very delicate places, therefore your nails should be pretty clean and short. Given, you will be using latex gloves, you still need to make sure your nails are short enough to not pop the damn things. Looks like Des and I are already out the game for this w/ our long ass SWV rhine stoned nails, or Des’ infamous sharp cat clawz the poor bastard would be in for a WORLD OF PAIN .

THE ACT: Here is where shit starts to get weird and slightly tricky…possibly even dangerous. Since I’ve never done this EVER, I’m going to let my google research take over from here …

” LOTS and I mean LOTS of lube. Push it in with your fingers. Make a huge mess. Get it all over your hand, the back of your hand, between your fingers. Keep applying it as you go. You can’t have too much lube. (And remember, oil-based lubricants dissolve latex). Some people like KY jelly; others say it dries out too quickly. In the UK, a substance called “Aqueous Cream” is the creme de la creme. Others use “J-Lube,” which is a powdered concentrate that when added to water produces incredibly slippery goo; it’s sold in veterinary supply houses! (Some people still use Crisco with latex gloves, on the theory that the Crisco is just the best lube, and the gloves don’t break down THAT fast. (This is risky, but it’s an option.)

Go slowly. Start with one finger and work up. DON’T RUSH. Be sensitive to your bottom’s feelings. You are trying to persuade part of their body to open for you, to admit part of you deeply inside it. The energy will move back and forth, and you’ll ride it, coaxing and pushing, in and out, moving your bottom into a trance. Keep communicating with your bottom; gags, or role-playing where the bottom feels inferior or is told to stay quiet, may not be conducive to the kind of relaxation and open empathy you’ll probably need if this is a first time.

If your bottom suddenly hits their limit, you’ll know; their orifice will clench tight shut suddenly. DON’T PULL OUT. Stay right where you are until the contraction ends, THEN start pulling out. You can pull a muscle or two if you try to back out in the middle of a reaction like that. If this happens, it’s OK; you’ll know to go slower next time (if you both want to try again). But assuming all is well…

When you reach five fingers, you’re almost there. Now is when you want to be most sensitive and most aware. Your bottom is going to be flying on pain and pleasure; a sudden flinch and you’ll find the asshole or vagina doesn’t want you anymore. Respect that, and pull out (slowly!). But if your bottom’s bottom wants it, then you’ll slip your knuckles inside, folding your thumb *inside* your fingers, and (so I’ve been told) your hand will NATURALLY form a fist — you DON’T need to clench your hand or anything else! (Note: be careful with your nails as you form a fist).

Now the real fun begins… explore, entice, pleasure your bottom, who will be in heaven… and when it comes time to pull out, do so slowly and naturally!”

FUN? HEAVEN? CRISCO?!
If you’ve made it this far in reading this those words probably didn’t come to mind. I honestly can’t stop clinching at the thought of how badly your butthole is gonna hurt pooping the next day. I mean girls don’t poop, but this type of stuff isn’t for the faint of heart. I doubt I’ll ever really try receiving a fisting. Perhaps GIVING, but def not receiving. I’m interested in hearing your fisting experiences. So this weekend after you and your boyfriend see Harry Potter go get wasted, stick some Crisco up your ass then twitpic it and send us all the dirty deets! Love you.

xoxo Glossy

*Thank you www.fetishexchange.org

What can you say about GlossyLoca? She’s the other more sassy half of TheBoobs, she always has a thing or two to say about Maury and loves Richard Ramirez. I’ve known these things about her for quite some time but ever since I’ve started my mommy tumblr, I noticed a lot of anonymous folks hitting me up about her. She has quite the following on twitter and she definitely doesn’t disappoint with her daily rants and raves. I decided that it was time to let her address any questions you guys may have because it was becoming a daily occurrence in my ask box. Not too long ago, we opened up the questions and I sent them over to her. Here are some of the answers and if you have any more, please feel free to send them to us at Theboobsblog@gmail.com.

Glossy loca why don’t you associate with physically ugly people?
Luck.

why did glossy move to seattle?
Clown College.

How tall are you? how much do you weigh? pants size/ bra size?
I’m 5’4, I don’t own a scale, I don’t wear pants, 36 C.

why don’t you move back to la? you seem so homesick.
I am homesick, but LA will always be there waiting for me. A plane ticket would be nice though…

Why don’t you like Kreayshawn considering she follows you and RT’s?
What’s not to like about Kreayshawn? I am aware that she follows me, which is cool. Her tweets are beyond complex, they read like poetry, and they really allow us outsiders to delve deep into the realms of her brain and her intense thought process for song writing. I really look forward to hearing more tracks that sound just like her hit “BUMPIN’ BUMPIN’”

Describe your dream man, in looks and personality:
My dream man would have the brain of Stephen Hawking, The hair of Hitler, the voice of Morrissey all rolled into Travis Barker’s body.

What’s the real reason you moved to Seattle? I know it can’t be just about school.
- you’re right, no one could ever possibly just want to go to school.

Who is your baby’s dad? How’d you meet him? And are you still together?
You wouldn’t know him. We met on the 25th floor of an apartment in Vancouver, Canada. We are co-parents, and he is a #1 Dad.

Why are you so damn fine?
I don’t know, but thanks..

How do you feel about interracial marriages or relationships in general?
They’re cool, they often produce really cute kids too.

Do you have black or Latina color pussy?
Use your imagination.

Having moved from San Francisco back to the Southern California area I have rediscovered my love for so many of the things I thought I hated before moving away five years ago. Recently, while strolling through the Santa Fe Springs Swap Meet chowing down on my bacon-wrapped excuse for a hot dog and shouldering black trash bags filled with the tackiest of goods, the familiar sounds of my favorite melancholy Irish-born Englishman sweetly drifted into my ears. The familiar sounds of Moz, the man, our people’s idol, filled the air. Suddenly remembering that the lovely ladies managing TheBoobsLA happen to adore the Smiths, and that the site has a heavy L.A. reader base, I decided a story was in order.

Being half-Mexican and loving Morrissey in his solo form as well as his Smiths music, also remembering that both Desboobs and Glossy are of Mexican descent, I figured the assumption that Mexicans, and most Hispanics alike, maintaining a mysteriously serious devotion to the British crooner and his band of lonely hearts is not such a far-fetched notion. Maybe it’s the idea that Mexicans can enjoy music that doesn’t feature a tuba, accordion, or funny hat that confuses people. Regardless, The Smiths, Morrissey and his music have managed to stand the test of time and so have his Hispanic fans, but what’s the deal?

Ask any one of us and you’ll find out that we probably grew up to the sounds of one if not all of the following in various forms: 1980’s New Wave, oldies but goodies (your various slow jams), some Rockabilly, and Elvis Presley (for good measure). But upon further exploration (attempting to ask every Mexican I knew their thoughts on the subject), Morrissey and The Smiths stand as an uncommon hero to many Latinos. Coming to the conclusion that Morrissey and his music with the Smiths played a significant role in the youth of many Latino kids growing up in Southern California because of what he inadvertently represented to them. These kids have become the exact modern embodiment of the disaffected youth Morrissey and the Smiths wanted to reach with their music.

Despite there being no established reason for this Mexican/Morrissey parallel, it is certainly worth exploring. The music of the Smiths preaches an ‘Outsiders’ Manifesto’; almost everything the Smiths did went against contemporary pop culture and parallels that of the Rockabilly and 50’s greaser lifestyle adopted by many Los Angeles and Orange County Chicanos. The Smith’s aversion to the traditional fixtures of commercial pop success in the music world seems to continually resonate with the generally working class, flannel shirt, dark denim jean wearing, pompadour sporting identity lots of Mexican, and Hispanic, men adhere to. The name ‘The Smiths’ speaks of listless suburbs and anonymity. But in a culture dominated by throwaway ideas and here-today-gone-tomorrow-stars (much like today’s society) the suffix “smith,” as in blacksmith, seems to hint at the workmanship, durability and imaginative perfection of the band’s product. Instead of singing about intelligent robots and computers, fast cars and sex like many of their peers at the time, the Smiths wrote songs about abused children, being killed by 10-ton trucks and painful, heart-wrenching love. Similar to Mexican Ranchera music, Morrissey’s lyrics rely on ambiguity, powerful imagery and metaphors to convey serious emotions. Thematically, the idealization of a simpler life and a rejection of all things bourgeois come from a populist impulse also common to Ranchera music. Another theory is that it could be that growing up Irish in Northern England is not that much different than growing up Mexican in Southern California. Or maybe it’s because Chicanos have deep-seeded melancholy feelings of belonging that derive from being disconnected to either the U.S. or Mexico, living in a space of in-between, or maintaining an insecurity about where we belong, etc., much like the lyrics of many of Morrissey’s songs that deal with identity crisis and figuring out your place in this world. Either way, it is from his immigrant background that we can draw similarities between his music and the real-life Mexican/Latino immigrant experience that is still relevant today.

To wrap, the lower-class British dandy is considered a kindred spirit to many. Morrissey’s ultra-emotional singing style, coupled with his look — particularly his pompadour hairdo — is very much in keeping with Mexican pop singing. But Mexican pop stars don’t have the special edge of melancholy regret and worldly-wise ennui that drives his L.A. Latino fan base crazy. Tough-as-nails cholos have been known to break down sobbing at Moz concerts to this day, and that’s something worth taking notice of. His comparable experience with alienation and disenfranchisement are the unifying themes of his music that allow him to relate to such a large and different group of people. Morrissey sings to the disaffected, and since alienation is apart of the assimilation tradition, the equal and opposite reaction of the immigrants drive to blend in can be felt in his music-when we ache, Morrissey soothes.

I’m sure if you’re a reader of TheBoobs, you’re already aware of our love affair with Bad Girls Club. We’ve been avid fans since the first season and know that if we were to ever make it up to the overly used “mansion” in the Hollywood hills they call home, we would probably outLA the Natalie Nunn’s and clank pots and pans with alum Tanisha. It’s just something to check off our bucket list. Now the show has always produced the most random girls to grace the oxygen network, and this last season was such a piece of work. I think they really tried to reproduce some legitimate bad girl action but fell slightly short. Lucky for them, this past seasons cast changed so fucking much that eventually a real bad girl would grace their presence. Cue in Wilma. You may remember her from peeing on the bed or from kicking out a fellow NJer within 2 days. Regardless, she came in and did not mess around. She showed the world that she was just trying to really have fun and if you got in her way, she was going to throw blows, TITTIES OUT! Every time the steroid vagina Nikki started in on her charade, Wilma was there to set her straight.. and eventually, yes it got her kicked out. At least she went out swinging, and for that TheBoobs has love for ya girl. I was lucking put in touch with Ms What’s a Wilmarie, and she set a few things straight for us.. LIKE WHY DIDN’T YOU BEAT CHARS FACE IN? Wang on.

So how was your overall experience on the show?
Man the experience was great I loved every minute.. kinda miss it hahah. It’s sick to say cause you go thru hell throughout the whole process but then when it’s gone your like man I want that back. It’s kinda when you get your period your boobs get a cup bigger you hate the whole bleeding thru the vajayjay and dealing with cramps but you’re loving those big all boobies. Then period is gone n boobs have deflated hahah so your waiting for that time of the month for those C cups.

How did you not want to beat in chars broke platypus looking ass face from the get go? I mean, she’s probably been the sorriest bad girl ever.
Man if Char had balls to tell me the things she was saying about me behind cameras I would of put all my energy in beating her ass up instead of Nikki’s. You see Char would always approach me in a respectful way when she was face to face with me…so that’s why you saw that I didn’t have a problems with her in the show. Char tried to be the baddest bitch that has ever hit bad girls club but she ended up being the lamest n saddest one.

Do you often fight bitches topless?
Hahah nah not at all but I think I started a knew fighting trend

Have you ran into nicki out in jersey since everything ended? if so, how was that?
Hahah not at all she really lives in Colorado that’s why I would fuck with her n say she wasn’t from jersey because she lived at there in Colorado for 5 yrs…but we haven’t bumped into each other at all.

whats your favorite bra?
I know it’s a basic ass bitch thin to say but I love my Victoria Secrets they make my boobies look AWESOME!!!

You seem like you DO not play, have other bitches tried to hassle since you’ve been on the show? Some girls get really brave for some reason.
The crazy thing is no one has ever tried anything with me after the show maybe they’re like this bitch could “Wang” let me not start shit with her but I have gotten so much love from everyone after the show people so that I wasn’t trying to be “hard” I wad actually really nice until I was fucked with so they know I’m not an annoying bitch trying to act hard.

Do you have a man? if not, would you go on love games?
No man it’s crazy my love life after the show has gotten bad guys think ima fight at their mamas kitchen table n shit smh …also guys now seeing my interview about me juggling me are like “oh soooo u juggle” hah oh well and I would do love games for the money hahah n to see if I can find a sexy as boy.

What are you up to now?
I’ve been doing a lot of appearance and now trying to see what level I’m going to take this…trying to start the acting but I don’t want no Oscar I just wanna kill zombies n do action movies fast n furious quince!!!

if you could fight another girl from any other season topless, who would it be?
hahaha umm which everyone disrespects me …maybe that ashley chick from season 5 wait is this like a kinky topless fight hahah or real real fight if its a kinky one for sure i would fight lea topless

I love your ass/thigh combo, any advice for a girl whose got less in the trunk?
Hahah I don’t work out it’s funny sometimes I do like 100 squats in the shower hahah my friends say ima bust my ass one day but a lot of platanos !!! Platanos in the morning evening n at nite !

Name/ location?
Jazmin. West Coast.

Age?
21

Bra Size?
On a good day 34e on a bad day 34ddd. Would that be considerable to be a bad day though?

Age of Blossom?
Just turned 17. It was some chia pet kinda shit. Woke up one morning. Took a shower, got some sunlight and bam cha cha cha chichis!

What do you like and don’t like about them?
I like that they’re a jack of all trades. Not only do they feed my son. They get my girls and I free drinks, free entrance, and free food afterwards. Oh the best part they didn’t cost a dime!
They’ve got a little sway to their bounce now but even then I don’t dislike them. I embraced my post baby boobs and bod with open hands.

Do you have a favorite bra?
It was my VS bra. Now, my nursing beige granny looking bra. Don’t knock it till you try it bitch. It’s a blessing in disguise.

Do you use them to your advantage? Explain.
I honestly don’t use them to my advantage. There is no hiding them so they do the dirty work for me. It’s the sucka that falls for these bad boys, they’re the ones being used.

Whose boobs do you admire?
Momboobs. I give it up to the women that have had sacrificed their goods for others. So, Salma Hayek. If you look at her titty cleavage, you can definitely tell her child got ahold of those thanggss. You go girl!

Do you like when men (or women) grab your boobs?
It used to be grabbing with girls, but lately they’ve been slapping them. They never did anything to you! Calm yourself, you trifling hoe! Only guy touching these was my sons father, now, it’s who’s ever lucky enough to tie me down. Don’t forget the ass though, its just as important people! Slap, grab, bite, whatever, just don’t forget it.

Can you put them on the glass?
Oh yes and all up in your face too.

Whats the strangest thing someone has asked about your breasts?
To date, “Can I have some coffee with that cream?”

links:
Milkjunkee.tumblr.com
Twitter.com/killahbeekween

So rarely do I take any bands formed after 1995 that serious these days, However, I came across Cerebral Ballzy through the Black lips and I must say I’m impressed. No cheesy gimmicks Just good old fashioned punk rock. Cerebral Ballzy’s raw sound fills me with the giddy nostalgia of the fun shows at Chain Reaction, Backyard gigs in Downey,CA , underage keg stands and when the only guys wearing skinny jeans were the dudes that sewed them up themselves. With that being said, I support these guys and what they’re doing. If you haven’t already checked them out you can now @CerebralBallzy on twitter
And here on their official site for tour dates www.CerebralBallzy.com

Most people in my life know that I am a reality tv fanatic, It’s just something I enjoy. You may go bike riding, well I watch RuPauls drag race and Bad Girls Club back to back. And you know, I don’t understand why I have to defend this past time of mine so much. All of my exes’ and including my current babydaddy have been so appalled by it. As if enjoying Bridezillas will really affect my personality or if America’s Next Top Model will really stop me from giving you a hand job. You guys just need to relax. You don’t see me getting all bent out of shape when you play your videogames do you? I mean, when you really think about it, it’s better to succumb to my reality tv dreams versus your precious Xbox heaven. And Ill explain why.

Reality Tv doesn’t cost us shit.

You spend $59.99 of your target paycheck every time Call of Duty comes out. Think about it, that shit adds up. That could be money that should be spent on dinners, trips, and a wardrobe that doesn’t look like you jack off to Final Fantasy characters. You know, the stuff that matters! Reality TV at best costs us a cable subscription (that is unless our fave shows are on basic channels, then we are set!). Sometimes not even that, most of us are computer savvy too and can figure out how to find a streaming link of last nights Toddlers and Tiaras. Our money is left unphased and you end up purchasing another headset to talk shit to that 9 year old who kicks your ass every night.

We can still have sex afterwards.

Reality TV will NEVER ever mess with our sex life. We get in our hour of our guilty pleasure, then we are free to pursue in our other activities, that being some hot lovin. I mean, you’re never going to catch me watching The Bachelor and then deny you some booty because we want you to give us a single rose beforehand. Get the fuck out of here. You guys however, well its not that you deny us sex either, you just forget.

How? Well lets see, you just spent 9 hours playing God of War 3, 2 hours of Mortal Kombat, and 45 min of Legend of Zelda before the crack of dawn. I don’t know how you think you’re going to get that dick working now because im pretty sure its just mindfucked Sonya Blade. And poor girls, we wake up to you with a controller next to your bedside. Looks like his other girlfriend won this time.

We don’t wait in line for 16 and Pregnant.

Think about it, you think you’ll catch grown women freezing their fucking ass off at the local Best Buy to pick up a special edition 16 and Pregnant marathon? No. That’s just not possible and beyond ludicrous. We would rather sleep and then if anything, nonchalantly pick up a copy if we happen to see it at Walmart while buying tampons. We will not camp outside or even track these releases. You guys however make it a social outing adventure. You gather up your friends and bring shit to make smores and gab about all the new strategies that you read online to master the new Halo installment. It becomes a bonding experience and you guys cant wait to do it again. I mean, the outcome is worth it right? Yeah sure, if you like hours of complete isolation from the world and the pizza delivery guy is your best friend. Regardless, I’m allergic to waiting in lines and don’t think I’d want to add this to list of things to do at 12am.

You guys get kinda fat.

I have no problems with fat guys but lets be real here , just because you play basketball on the Playstation doesn’t constitute to actually playing b-ball. Your whole source of exercise is getting up to use the bathroom once in awhile or to get another beer. It all just sits there. I just keep thinking of South Park’s episode where they all turn into lil cartoon doughnuts of their former selves. Unless you actually work out or spend a minimum amount of time plopped in front of the screen, you might come face to face with that reality. Us on the other hand, we can watch Big Brother at the gym. Or if we don’t go to the gym, we can still manage to get out of the house to hang with some friends to discuss Natalie Nunn’s dumb ass antics from the night before. We are coming a long way post Oprah and bon bons.

No one breaks up due to Reality TV

Unless your man’s exgf is parading all over our tv, then you’re pretty much in the clear with us. You never hear stories about how they just couldn’t work it out because Survivor got in between them. I haven’t heard of couples going to counseling because her reality tv habit got out of control or she became obsessed with watching the same episodes of Real World over and over again to see if we can find something we haven’t found before. I have however seen an episode of True Life’s  “I’m addicted to videogames” where this shit is REAL LIFE people. Some don’t manage to pay their bills, lose their marriages, and even drop out of school. Grand Theft Auto  can result to you living on your grandmas fold out couch and romantic nights with a fleshlight.

I will say this though, you guys do make careers out of fingerfucking console controllers all day. Legitimate careers too, but all I can think of is manboys dance dance revolution battling all day courtesy of Grandmas Boy. Even though its not appealing, as long as you end the game playing there, I won’t throw out your Ferrari bed.

But no really, I don’t completely hate on games. I just love my reality tv shows and for some reason I have to get into heated discussions trying to validate why I choose to watch it. I don’t ask for your reasons why you get so involved with a damn videogame. From what I remember from Street Fighter, they’re actually fun. Why don’t you let me enjoy my excuse for fun? It’s called Hoarders and I’m actually missing 8 minutes of it right now to write this. Now don’t bother us again about this issue or I’m just going to have to redirect your girl back to this post. Game ON!

If you are in a relationship and you are pushing your partner to take it to the next level and move in, I want you to listen the fuck up over here okay.

I want you to close your eyes (I guess you can’t because you are reading this, so I guess just focus super hard on this right now, just focus); I want you to imagine walking into your apartment/house and expect no one to be home so you can finally let out that foot long shit you have been holding in for the past 8 hours at work and eat the last half of Chipotle you bought earlier, but alas! Someone is in your bedroom. You creep to your bedroom door and you see your man playing Call of Duty on your bed. He’s wearing basketball shorts with nothing underneath and his legs are spread out enough so that you can clearly see just one semi-hairy nut gracefully fall onto his leg.He welcomes you with a “HI BABE” and effortlessly releases a fart that sounds like a broken foghorn. It smells like Chipotle.

He fucking ate your Chipotle.

My thoughts exactly.

This is what you wanted; this is living together.

I just want to say for the record that my boyfriend and I have been living together for over a year and I wouldn’t change a thing about the experience. Because I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to live with him; he’s my best friend. These things I am about to write account for only about 10% of living together BUT there are some things that I realize NOW, that I did not realize THEN. And this is the kind of shit I wish someone told me/prepared me for.

RULE NUMBER ONE AND ONLY.
Figure out the money situation BEFORE even planning to move in with each other. No one wants to fight about who bought the asparagus and why the fuck you mysteriously can’t pay for rent. It’s lame to have to talk about who makes more, but it needs to be done. If you can’t do it, don’t move in.

Moving on.

After living together, DAT ASS turns into THAT BUTT (that poo poo actually comes out of from time to time).

First comes the farting. All it takes is one and all bets are off. If you’ve been farting before the move in, you’re already in a world of hurt. First it’s funny, then it’s weird, then it’s a competition, and then it just gets gross with some more weirdness. “My poop smelled funny today” turns into, “HEY BABE, COME LOOK AT THIS. I DON’T THINK IT WILL FLUSH.” I’m pretty sure my boyfriend and I hit rock bottom when he got into bed naked, spread his asscheeks, placed his bare asshole on my bare leg and let one rip.

My thoughts exactly.

My soul died that day. I’m just going to skip the part about when he gets comfortable enough to show you the “batwing” with his ball skin.

You must also realize  that ALL MYSTERIES ARE REVEALED.

I understand that girls are a mystery to a lot of guys. The other day I had to explain to my boyfriend that you don’t stick pantyliners to your vagina, but to your actual panties. All the things you never wanted to/thought you would explain, you now have to explain.

“What’s this cream for?” Stretch-marks.

“Who made this cd for you?” My ex-boyfriend.

“I didn’t know you had hair there.” 99% Human beings in
general have hair there.

In order to not be completely turned off for the rest of your life, you have to learn about a small thing called ~balance~. Go on dates. Have sexy time. Keep the door shut when you shit. Surprise each other after work. Cook together. If you’re feeling like a lazy fat ass, work out together.

All that good romantic shit, so that when it comes to an out-of-an-actual-butt-shit, you are whole-heartedly accepting of the sexy human being dwelling and stinking up the personal space you were bent on giving up anyway okay.

I haven’t watched the BET awards in god knows how long but I can never pass up some second hand embarassment lulz. I was really hoping someone would have shouted out at Nicki Minajs “number 1 fan” that SHE DUN GOOFED, but everyone’s silence sealed the deal. And Drake strolling up looking like a Wooly Willy with that hair/5 o’clock shadow, I never thought I’d miss that jamie fox hairline of his.

That poor girl, maybe Nicki let her wear one of her wigs and bark in her face to cheer her up.